ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Word!
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what