6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don鈥檛 like my house?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you鈥檙e like glad i missed out on that shit
can鈥檛 = can not
don鈥檛 = do not
won鈥檛 = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk鈥檇.