If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*