My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
What a kind woman! 😂😂
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Sooo many times…..
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*