wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Time heals everything 🙂
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.