Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?