Donkey Kong sommelier
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body