cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical