me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring