Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
wow
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”