[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Beware of fowl play.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back