Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun