Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
You Might Also Like
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.