Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
and this one
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I just tested negative for patience.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Match dot com, but for socks.