My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
You Might Also Like
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The pen is writier than the sword.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.