I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Just me and my debit card against the world
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.