I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.