If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Cool shirt 🙂
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.