[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.