My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.