Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
bears
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%