Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.