Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
You Might Also Like
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.