The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Y’all ready for this
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”