[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You Might Also Like
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.