<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs