A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.