I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
oh my god
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)