I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You Might Also Like
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My current situation
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*