Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.