HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.