My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
We’re all getting idioter.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.