Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
This is me 🤣🤣
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.