hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
This is the best one I’ve seen
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it