In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth