Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Mornin
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
#TopTip
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.