I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
It’s the weekend y’all
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”