*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
This kid is going places
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”