[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I’m about to risk it all
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Don’t tell me what to do
they should invent a rest for the wicked
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”