[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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Meow
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”