Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
not to brag, but mine was free
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.