[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
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One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!