i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Time heals everything 🙂
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Never forget.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
bro what is going on at twitter