I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?