When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
what?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..