They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
pictures of spider-man
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people