My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
You Might Also Like
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.