Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.