[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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#oldknees
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
The Struggle
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*