Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.